Monday, July 31, 2006

" how would u know the inside me?" Part-2

termenung aku ngadap muvi yg tgh ditayangkan didepan mata aku ni.melayan muvi yg aku sendiri tak ingt tajuk dia apa.kadang2 aku gelak gile2.. kadang2 aku menguap kuat gle tp takpe, sebab bukan aku dalam wayang pun. takkan ada orng nak jerit kat ak "woi, tak penah masuk wayang ke?" takkan ada jugak popcorn2 sesat akan hinggap kat kepala aku ni.sebab aku kat bilik.layan muvi sorang2


aku seorang movie freak.


tapi lately aku bnyk ketinggalan muvi2 kat wayang tu.


kenapa tak pergi aje IOI yg sepuluh minit dr umah aku ni or lepas keje, trus je gi shot Mid Valley yg 5 minit je dr opis aku n layan je wayang, instead duduk melepak sorang2 dlm bilik ni aku yg kecil lagi sederhana ni? takde kawan kah aku?





bukan takde kawan yang boleh di ajak tuk melepak, tapi minggu ni aku terasa nak berkeseorangan. bnyk yang aku nak setelkan konon2nye.nak basuh baju, tak berbasuh, nak vacum bilik? tak tervacum gak, nak lap kipas? berabuk jugak kipas tu...so. apa yg aku buat? lepas je ari jumaat tu, (lepas majlis 2nd quarter UEM gathering kat HQ opis aku) aku off kan hp n aku sign off YM aku. sampai ahad, baru aku on kan balik. sedeynye, takde misscalled or mesage.. betapa tiada kepentingannye aku ni..huhu.saje aku buat mcm tu. aku totally nak sorang2. Melayan depress.. sekurang2nye bile duk sorang2 ni, aku harap dapat kurangkan sikit depress aku ni. walaupun aku sorang2.


Depress..dengan kata lain, demoralize @ dishearten @ discourage atau seangkatan dengannya, amat sinonim dengan aku. dah boleh jadi middle name aku dah..


boleh kata every month, aku akan menghadapi bende ni. dah jadi macam monthly event plak aku rasa.kalau perempuan akan depress bile time haid diorang sebulan sekali, camtu gak aku. mesti akan ngadap bende ni. cume untung pempuan ni, ada panadol menstrual, aku?


Tapi aku bukan depress saja-saja. Banyak perkara yang aku hadapi dan telan, sampaikan muka nih, dah jadi tak ceria.


aku ingat Cheng penah cakap...

"Kau tau tak apa masalah ko ni PanjanG, ko ni berat mulut nak mampus.."

Sombong ke aku ni?


bukan sorang dua yg cakap camtu.ramai dah. and i admit it. penah sekali dalam bas, bayangkan dari perak smpi ke melaka, sebelah aku ni adala awek punye la cun. kalau dapat kat korang mesti punye korang dah ayat dah.

"Nak balik melaka ke dik?"

"Melaka duduk kat mana?"

"Jam sekarang pukul berapa ek?"

"awak ni comel la, leh jadi girlfren saya?" hahaha...

macam2 soklan yg bersusun dlm kepala otak aku time tu. at last, smpi ke melaka. aku buat bodoh je. mesti dia ingt aku ni bisu..


haih..


penyakit aku ni jadi kritikal bersebab.. bukan aku saja2 nak buat. Aku paham sangat apa yg diorang2 maksudkan..


mungkin 'Kekurangan' pada diri aku ni punca segalanya...


Trauma.


Trauma ke aku?


trauma ialah sesuatu perubahan perasaan, fizikal dan mental selepas individu itu mengalami sesuatu kejadian yang besar dalam hidupnya.most probabily, its a bad things. ini adalah definisi trauma pada diri aku. pemikiran, tindakan dan tindak balas individu itu pada persekitaran akan berubah.mungkin lama kelamaan trauma ini akan hilang, tapi bg sesetengah kes, kesan trauma ini kekal sepanjang hayat.


apa kaitan aku dan trauma?


aku pernah mengalami trauma. banyak keadaan yang menyebabkan aku menjadi trauma dalam hidup aku.tapi Alhamdulillah selepas 22 tahun aku hidup, tiada trauma yang series. tiada trauma yang melibatkan org lain. just me and myself.


percintaan? alahaii.. bab ni takyah cakap la. I'm such a loser in this part. 99% pro on a broken heart chapter

organisasi kekeluargaan? Alhamdulillah.. aku bahagia berada didalam keluarga En Jamaludin & Pn Katijah. even penah ditambat kat pokok tepi jalan dan di kasinye kerengga lg, but i'm proud of it. it teach me to be a good son. (masalahnye, anak yg baik ke aku ni?)

Kewangan & Harta benda? penah ditipu kawan sendiri. back stab by my own friends. smpi berhutang beratus2 ringgit. smpi skarang tak setel2..

Academic? huih..terumbang ambing. tak penahnye nak merasa slip exam aku tu GPA nye start ngan 3, apatah lg 4.


kadang2 bile aku pikirkan balik, bagus sebenarnye if u hv been through all this things.one thing dia akan buat ko semakin matang. tapi kalau tak kene timenye. down terus ar. macam yang terjadi kat aku.


tak boleh la kau nak cerite sebijik2 kat korang, but den, itu macam membuka pekung sendiri. yang pastinye, masalah2 yang aku hadapi ni, mampu membuatkan dahi aku ni berkerut 24jam.


Bukan aku tak penah nak built up my self confident dan try lawan rasa gundah gulana ni. bnyk kali.. bnyk kali aku try. tapi bnyk mana aku try, bnyk jugak problem yang datang.

puas aku nak positif kan diri aku.
aku tau sore tak best, tapi aku tetap berkaraoke.
aku tak pandai menulis, tapi ngade2 jugak tulis blog.
aku tak pandai bercerite, tapi becokkan jugak mulut aku tuk berceloteh.
aku tak pandai bergaya, tapi diam2 aku tiru gaya2 orang yang macho.
semuanya untuk naikkan balik self motivation and hilangkan rasa trauma aku td.


ntahlah...


berjaya ke tidak, korang yang tentukan. kalau nak tanya kau, aku akan jawab tak tau. apa yang korang nampak pada diri aku ni, tak sama dengan my inner side. HIPOKRIT ke aku ni?


ntahlah...


one more thing, apa korang rasa and buat kalau korang di reject? even worst, dipaksa tuk pergi? (start dah jiwang2 ni)...


haih...


at the end.. bile aku sendiri dah tak larat nak pikir, the same terms akan kuar dr mulut aku, "Lantaklah..." satu penyelesaian yang tak sihat.


tapi, at the inside, who knows...kan?



sorry la kalau korang bosan dengar aku mengarut. amik la lagu ni,aku kasi adiah sebab baca blog aku. download sendiri er..
  • Kenangan Terindah


  • aku nak tukar nama blog. next update maybe aku akan tukar nama blog aku. for futher info nengok frindster aku erk..
  • My Friendster







  • Tuesday, July 11, 2006

    how would u know the inside me?

    this morning i was 'hit'. hit by 'something'. 2 possibilities. either it will change my whole life forever, neither nor. haih..
    if u feel like being f**k up, i feel 10 times than dat. not means to blame anyone. but den this is what really happend. this is life. i know that after this, maybe, 99% maybe u'll not have a trust on me. its up to. if u can see what have i've been through all this time, u would understand. i have no body to 'merenyeh2' with. i have no place to split out the bleed inside me. this is just my place. what i write maybe not as same i've said to u. but i thing u know me. u know me very well.how would i react when i in a moody mode, angry mode and what so ever.
    lately, u've changed my thought to u. (remember our long conversation on my b'day night? i bet u will) i'm happy wif dat.very2 happy with what have u done, with what have u said, and the way u act to me. its a dame sweetest thing to me. but den, as u said. ur trust to me is lesser and lesser. i cant do anything wif dat. sorry sorry and sorry..

    Monday, July 10, 2006

    tupai-tupai

    duduk je aku kat krusi opis ni, aku dihidangkan dgn berite plg bes oleh has.. "awak, hari ni cik azman ngan cik razani takde.."

    dgn itu waktu lunch kami pun terpaksa la di awalkan.. 12.30 lagi dah cabut kuar..huhu. really2 thanks to Has. dia la yang sungguh2 paksa our lazy ass to stand up and went for lunch. katanye nak makan luar.. so dat, Has bawak kitorang makan kat Tupai- Tupai.. quite a nice place for having a relaxing 'jungle' environment lunch.(takde camera ar nak amik pic tmpt tu) and the best part is, Has banje aku.. muahaha.. belated besday boy beb...thanks Has. len kali banje la lg yek..

    need to pack and going back home.. a day in office with no work.. yuuhuu~~

    toddless

    Sunday, July 09, 2006

    first day as a "22'ian"..

    080706
    nice no aite?hei everybody, im 22 rite now. syukur to almighty, Allah swt coz still let this pity little servant breath, walk, talk..thanks to both my parents. without them, maybe i'm not this healthier, 22 years im under their guidens. love u both very much.

    to all my friends, either u remember or not this 'important' date (for me la kan..) thanks to allof u. acompany me to get through this things thal called 'life'. some of u maybe lead me to glorious. and thanks those who stab my back, hurts me, pissing on me, cheating on me, used me.. without all of u, maybe i'm still one naive little kampung boy. i've learnt alot through what have all of u contribues. thanks again.

    to those yang wish, tq so much. i really apriciate it.doesnt matter if its vocally wish, sms, friendster, tag..all of u had bright my day up. thank u so much


    God, please lead me to the path that makes me close to U. i need Ur help.

    i'm just a petite boy that want to find a 'man' in me...


    Monday, July 03, 2006

    tik..tok..

    while wasting my time in my office, i've found this..

    When a girl misses u, she's
    afraid to
    see how your
    new girl looks, she's dreading the fact that ur not
    hers any more

    When u break a girls heart, she still feels it when
    bumping heads 3 years later

    When a girl just stares deep into your eyes, she's
    HOPING that your hers and only hers ( it shows
    how much she cares: eyes never lie)

    When a girl is quiet,
    millions of things are running through her mind.

    When a girl is not arguing,
    she is thinking deeply.

    When a girl looks at you with eyes full of
    questions,
    she is wondering how long you will be around.

    When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few
    seconds,
    she is not at all fine.

    When a girl stares at you,
    she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

    When a girl lays her head on your chest,
    she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

    When a girl calls you everyday,
    she is seeking for your attention.

    When a girl wants to see you everyday,
    she wants to be pampered.

    When a girl says, "I'll love you forever, "
    she means it.

    When a girl says that she can't live without you,
    she has made up her mind that you are her future.

    When a girl says, "I miss you, "
    no one in this world can miss you more than that

    haha.. believe it? nahh... now, compare to this..

    When a guy calls u
    he wants to be with you

    When a guy is quiet,
    He's listening to you...

    When a guy is not arguing,
    He realizes he's wrong

    When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few minutes,
    he means it

    When a guy stares at you,
    he wishes you would care about him and wonders
    if you do?

    When you're laying your head on a guy's chest
    he has the world

    When a guy calls you everyday
    he is in love

    When a (good) guy say he loves you
    he means it

    When a guy says he can't live without you
    he's with you till your done

    When a guy says, "I miss you, "
    he misses you more than you could have ever
    missed him or anything else

    so? haha.. blaa blaa blaa...

    weekend ari tu aku balik kampung..haih.. what a reliefed seeing all the 'Jamaludin' members are sihat2 belaka.. best sgt balik umah. welcomed home with ibu's sambal udang, ayam kicap and asam pedas.. fuhh..tak sempat masuk bilik. first thing first, cari pinggan..haha.. seriesly la.. which ever i go, my ibu's cook is yet still the best.
    hope to continue my happiness in KL.. but den.. haihh.. nasib2..

    che razani and mr azman is not around. it means, 'ngulat' time..hoho.. congrats to has which have officially completed her internship program, upon second visits. luckily to her to get cik razani and mr sanif.. aku?waa.. tak tau la. pasrah jelaa..

    haih.. apa yek aku nak buat minggu ni.. aku mesti ubah hidup aku supaya menjadi lebih ceria..muahahaha.. adoilaa.. :P

    toddless